I've had basically one solid thought on my mind lately.
My future. And not just what am I going to do with myself, but all the little details between this and that. Near future, far away future, things that I really shouldn't be worrying about right now, etc etc.
In the closer to being present future ; drivers ed and getting a job.
Dad says me starting driver's ed depends on my grades at the end of the quarter (so of course, I'm determined to actually do well.) I've been doing my homework, doing well on tests, (trying to) stay awake in class. Everything that I should be doing. However, being sick is really taking its toll on my learning capabilities right now. Waking up is a total drag. Showering is a drag. And then getting on my bike is the best feeling in the world. Getting off my bike and chaining it up is a drag. Walking up the stairs to my class is a drag. Saying "Good Morning" to Mrs. Baird is the beginning of my awake and pleasant morning. I love my zero hour math class. I love that I understand the material, I love that I have a friend to talk to in that class. I love that my teacher doesn't look like an obese shark. I love everything about being there, except for the being there part. I am SO TIRED in the mornings. All through middle school I could get up at 5 AM no problem, but since last year, I've actually started sleeping like a normal teenager. How utterly inconvenient is that?
Honestly, it's not even the sleep that I love. I get some kind of physical high off of waking up, rolling over and going back to sleep. I don't really know how to explain it, but it really does just feel... good. Really good. Sleeping in doesn't give me the same feeling as waking up, turning off my alarm and curling back up under the covers. I don't even know.
And getting a job. (Woah, abrupt subject change?) Where am I going to work? How am I going to work? Who the hell would want to hire me? Will I even have enough time in the day to offer to a workplace? Will I have any free time at all once I get a job? Will I have to work weekends?
The trauma of growing up is seeping through my skull and deeprooting itself into my mind. Future-panic is all I can think about these days. Thinking about how I need money, all the things I want to save up for, saving up for an exchange program, how much does an exchange program even cost, will my parents help pay for an exchange program, etc etc.
Everything that may happen in the next two years or so is freaking me out. And it's so weird because I never really put any thought into my future before now. I had vague ideas about where I'd like to live and what color I'd like my house to be, perhaps what I will name my dog. But schools, jobs, income... none of it really mattered to me.
And I know I really shouldn't be freaking out that much... Because when worst comes to worst, I can pull out a student loan and pay that off for the rest of my life. (Don't most people have to do that anyway?)
Anyway... I want to sleep. More of Sloane's Future-panic later.
Trust me, this isn't even half of it.
♥sloane
Growing up really sucks. I can say that with a lot of certainty, because I've had to do a lot of it in the last few weeks. As such, I have advice for how to handle it.
ReplyDeleteFirst, understand that even though it doesn't seem like it, you have time. Not a lot of time, and you should use it wisely, but you should be grateful that you're beginning to grow up now, instead of a year from now. Can you imagine how worried you'd be if that was the case?
Then just let it go. Keep your grades up, and make decisions that will look nice on a resume, but focus on the fact that these are the last two years you have to NOT worry about it.
As for exchange, I've also got a lot of advice about that. Get a job. As soon as you can. You really need to start saving up for an exchange right now. Any minimum wage job will do, but you need to save like crazy. If you show your parents that you're working as hard as you can, they will be more willing to help you. Trust me.
Also, the parents thing: you need to talk to both of them now. NOW. Don't wait much longer. It's amazing how cool parents can be sometimes, seriously. Occasionally they remember what it was like to be a teenager. Just try it. I would be very surprised if they weren't extremely proud of you. My parents have told me a number of times that they're so incredibly proud of me for wanting to go on exchange. They may or may not be able to help financially, but you will need them to fill out paperwork and certainly to give you permission.
This isn't going to sound fun, but do it anyway: at least CONSIDER other countries. If I were you, given your background in French, I would seriously consider France or Belgium. (I'm not just saying it because that's where I am right now. I promise.) I actually considered a lot of different French-speaking countries when I was contemplating exchange, before I finally came back to France. You're going to want all the language you've got. If your heart is still set on Japan, start taking a class. RIGHT NOW. Or buy a self-teach book and set aside an hour every single day to conduct "class". Treat it as though it's a real school class that's obligatory. If you let it go just once or twice, you'll let it go lots more times.
Look into Rotary. They're VERY selective, so start working hard on your grades. Also, look into joining some clubs that will look good on a resume, like Key Club. Rotary is very inexpensive as far as exchange companies go, but that means they can be very picky. Also look into AFS. They're not nearly as inexpensive, but they're a very large company and they'll probably have scholarships you can apply for.
Above all, COOL IT. Take a few deep breaths and remind yourself that you're not there yet. Work on your grades, join a few nice clubs, and then chill out. Enjoy life. That's what it's there for.